Brown Line

Red Line

Obviously dirty floors.

Obviously puked-on, spit-on, pooped-on floors.

For the most part, “No Smoking, Radio Playing, or Littering” rule is obeyed by the passengers.

For the most part, “No Smoking, Radio Playing” rule is obeyed by the passengers.

If a passenger has a general scent about him or her, it is usually aftershave or perfume.

If a passenger has a general scent about him or her, it is usually a good idea to change to another car.

Though a heterogeneous color (race) seems to ride the train, it’s a fairly constant mix throughout the ride.

A distinct color-change occurs somewhere between Washington and Jackson.

Seems to have very limited hours, like my local Osco; you could accidentally wait all day on a Sunday.

24 / 7!! Hell yeah! Like my local Walgreen’s.

What exactly is the point of the Wellington stop?

What exactly is the point of the Monroe Stop? And why is the Jackson stop (instead of the Washington stop) the one you need to use to go to the Washington library?

Curvy ride (like a good woman); If you are in the last car, there can even be a “crack the whip” feeling if the engineer accelerates too soon coming out of a turn.

Straight (even between Addison and Belmont).

Solitary seats…room to drop your backpack.

Double Seats.. buttcheek frotteurism.

Legible etchings in the plastic covering the bulletproof glass (which is supposed to stop graffiti)

Illegible gang-tags etched in the plastic covering the bulletproof glass (which is supposed to stop graffiti)

Poetry in Motion, ads for divorce lawyers, Gas and Electric company “feel good” PR ads.

Ads for abortion services, ads for bankruptcy lawyers, ads for various STD treatments.

View of the “old” track as you wonder about the quality of the track you are on and see things like old ties and signs just sitting there across the track.

No view of the track underground as you wonder how bad it is because you cannot see how well it is or is not maintained.

Slightly holier-than-thou feeling as you watch the red line descend into hell headed south at Armitage.

Cool little “bump” as you come out of the tunnel northbound at Armitage.

“Ch-Boom Ch-Boom” as you cross the center of the drawbridge.

Think about what would happen if the Chicago river leaked into the subway tunnel. The lake would reverse the flow and it would get ugly.

Waiting 20 mins for the drawbridge.

Getting stuck underground for 5 mins as all the thoughts of WHAT IS GOING ON???!? go through your head, and all you hear is “Beep Beep Beep, this train has been stopped due to mechanical problems.”

CTA versus pigeon. CTA wins. Pigeon is instant McNuggets.

CTA versus rat. CTA wins. Rat is electric BBQ.

Waiting for a red line to cross or a purple to merge onto the tracks north of Belmont.

Waiting for a brown Line to cross the tracks north of Belmont.

Every once in a while you will see a couple that is married (but obviously not to each other) that cannot keep their hands off of each other.

Quite often you will see drunks of various sexual proclivities chasing each other about the train and through the cars. One night when I was coming home from school w/ Aaron, 5 loud, effeminate, dragged-up African-American males had a hilarious time running about the train while simultaneously someone claiming to be a member of the Israeli Air Force chatted up Aaron, and a very-very messed up person offered everyone within arm’s reach some cocaine derivative. (We had nothing to drink, I swear it’s all 100% true).

Waiting at Library State VanBuren for the !@#$%& green or !@#$%^ orange line to get its butt into the loop. Waiting at Merchandise Mart for a !@#$%^% green line to boomerang through the loop.

Watching 3 browns go by waiting for a red at either Belmont or Fullerton. Watching 3 purples go by waiting for a red at either Belmont or Fullerton.

Climbing up to the platform (1 flight). This is not bad unless a train just let out, and then people decide to come down both the left and right side of the stairs and are always in a hurry.. (why are you in a hurry?.. you caught your train.. I have not got mine yet)

Climbing out of the ground (2 flights or more) and ALWAYS needing to go in the direction that doesn’t have an escalator. Or if you get the escalator, Chicagoans do not understand the Left-Lane:Climb, Right-Lane:Stand concept (yah London!)

Funky turnstyle doors that you hope you don’t get caught in.

Funky turnstyle doors that you hope you don’t get caught in.

-12 F 60 mph “breeze” as the train arrives on the sandy platform.

65 F light breeze smelling of various bodily fluids, rats, and ozone as you wait for the train underground on the oily sticky floor.

Beautiful people seem to not have a particular set of stops.

All the beautiful people get on and off at Belmont or Fullerton.

It is like an elevator: you have to let the people get out of the car before there is room for you to get into the car.

It is like an elevator: you have to let the people get out of the car before there is room for you to get into the car.

Cell works the whole way there and back, but it is tough to hear and talk over the squealing of the wheels.

Furiously entering your PIN so you can listen to your voicemail before you go down at Armitage.